she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
