someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Someone came in the potted fern
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
