Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
