Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
