I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
