I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
