Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
