my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
