apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
