My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
