we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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