That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
