I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
