I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
