Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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