Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
