Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
