checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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