I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
