fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
