I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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