I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
