im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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