My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
