My first STD was from a foam party
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
