His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
