i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
