I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
