Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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