I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
