The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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