Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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