tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
