Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
