Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
