How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
