remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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