This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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