There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
