i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I want to be your penis for a week.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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