Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
