I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
