my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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