Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
