dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
