I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
