can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
