if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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