When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
