Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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